New Year's Eve

This day and the following pretty much mean nothing to me. It is a construction of time and a label on time to simply mark. I know that there are a lot of other similar days such as this where we celebrate because someone somewhere told us we should, but this one is a strange. So many things we do end and start today and tomorrow, banking, funding, and people thinking that they themselves are going to change or feeling this strange need to tell themselves and others that they are and how they plan on doing so. Just give it a couple of weeks and you will find yourselves back into to old habits, eating Doritos again and treating everyone around you the same way you always did, or maybe if you proclaim to make a real change do it in July. Then I might believe you. My clock and yours will have the same sounding tick tomorrow as it does today.

Got it!

Finally was able to get the iPhone app working so I can write and publish locally. On our way to Harvard square for the day. Psyched to be with Chris and the girls and breaking up the routine a bit. It's easy to get stuck in doing what is easy.

Another Wednesday morning

spit up, flower pajamas, christmas tree, hot coffee and Abi laughing in the kitchen, I have a great husband and the best father for my daughters, squirrels are digging in the yard, Abi loves oranges, no car, oatmeal, frosty the snowman, howling wind in twiggy trees just made harpers eyes bluer and brighter, never mind the going places and such.

Harper

She is rolling over, out of her swaddle and swing and no longer using a pacifier. And she also is on rice cereal. This all happened as she turned 5 months old. All sort of at the same time too. David came to visit, met her for the first time, got to know Abi a bit and hing out with us for 4 days. We hosted 15 people for Thanksgiving, may do it again next year. Harper is smiling a lot, but needs to be held a lot, will not last long in exersaucer or by herself with a toy. This hurts my back quite a bit. Abi now says "Mama put Harper in the bouncy seat and play dollhouse with me." She has a runny nose, wears a single ponytail on the top of her head and tell jokes, sings songs, plays the drum and dances. She picks up what seems like a hundred new words every day. Haven't started xmas shopping but got a tree today, looking forward to Christmas this year. Abi is more aware, can look forward to things and can participate in more activities now. The two of them are the most beautiful beings in the world and I love them more than I could ever imagine.

Saturday morning at 6am

Should I really be playing Little People at 6am? What I should be doing and what I want to be doing are two separate things and right now what I should be doing is catering to the needs of my girls, and if that means nursing Harper for an hour at 5am and then playing with plastic figurines and their dollhouse at 6am then that is my life right now and I should drink my coffee because that I know for sure is for me and not for anybody else and it feels good on the way down and it nurtures. This is me and Abi in her playroom sitting and playing and thinking about writing and Harper and Chris sleeping is a good thing and I think it is daylight savings today so oh my god does that mean that it is really 6am again instead of 7am? and omg does Abi know that and wait a minute what right does time have to play these games with me when all I do sometimes is try and figure it out, its unrelenting power.

Pumpkin Spice Latte and the new Ani CD, 8:30 am. good.

Happy Birthday

Abi (22 months old) insists on being sung "Happy Birthday Ava" before every nap and before bedtime.

Who is the boss anyways?

It is time to be proactive, enough of this letting the toddler control the adults... As a reminder to myself I need to provide some educational tools and learning experiences for her but also for myself. Otherwise I will not grow and I will become resentful. 

Lattes help a lot

And I don't care how fattening they are because they are medicine to me. My goals are to take care of the girls and feel good. I am taking care of the girls but do not feel so great. Need to loose 15 lbs, get a better hair cut and most importantly get more sleep because I now have wrinkles under my eyes... not very attractive. I also need more hours to myself where I am not in front of the washing machine or the dishwasher, because those times are not times to myself. More time with books and music and running. I am going to research how to train for a small triathalon. First, the things I can control, getting in shape and a new haircut, then back into my old clothes which will probably feel new by the time I can fit into them...

and work on the sleep thing which is out of my control and in the hands of a little munchkin who has been breathing for only 3 months...

I remember every day

I will always be awake at those stamps in time wondering if there was something I could have done differently, wondering if they were in any pain, three years later and sleepless nights that digital light keeps clicking like it is winking, at me, saying I am still here, and I still can't believe that time keeps moving and I can't see it except for the clock, the damn fucking clock.

Today

It is Sunday and Harper is not sleeping today, had the largest throwup I have ever witnessed and I thought she was going to die. She doesn't want to nap today and Abi just woke up, so needless to say I am exhausted. Thanks to Chris who can take over for a little bit. This pregnancy weight is just not coming off and I think I have insomnia again.

She has been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours

And it only took me all day to get her to take this nap but the only problem is that it started at 6pm... Oh well, it is good for me to be reminded that she will always need her sleep and no matter what she will get it at some point, eventually. And I will get some moments of being in between all this noise.

Sunday night

Got a MacBook and am loving the differences between this and my Dell, which seems tiny in comparison. Its 9pm and I am waiting for Harper to wake up so I can feed her before I go to bed. Sometimes I feel as though my life is just waiting for something to happen so I can take care of it, usually something with either Harper or Abi, and often it is related to waking/sleeping, hunger or bowel movements. I'd like to someday soon not be waiting or not be on call and to be able to sit and read a book without having to be needed by anybody anytime soon. Although if I had that life I would probably want to be needed in the way I am now, well, maybe not. Needed is good, but needed all the time, not so great, no time to take care of yourself. Helps a ton to have someone like Chris who does everything he possibly can to give me some time for myself. Love him tons.

It's Wednesday

And I have both girls sleeping for now and I am somewhat awake and am functioning enough to be able to write that I am functioning and have some caffeine in me but not too much because I have to watch what I put into my body, hearing Harper slurping on paci in other room, Abi cleaned of mac and cheese and two diapers later in bed for a nap, hoping to meet up with friends tonight on the beach and take a deep breath of salty air and maybe sit down for more than 30 seconds, gotta go.

7/24/08
these 2 minutes i thought i had are not going to be enough. abi is playing by herself in the playroom but harper who hasn't slept all day will not nap today, and i can't possibly start this, there she goes again. i don't know what to do with her. so now abi is eating and i got harper to sleep in her swing. so i can see if i can manage to sit at the kitchen counter feed abi avacado and chicken and write in this before my battery dies. i wasn't the mother i want to be to abi today. that lasted 30 seconds. she asked me to hold her just as i typed the words "i wasn't the mother i wanted to be to abi today" so i had to pick her up. still have some battery left. put pacifier in harper's mouth again. took bite of abi's chicken. a friend asked me what do i eat and i realized i eat what i feed abi which is good cuz it is healthy but never enough especially if you are nursing which makes me twice as hungry as what i think a normal person should feel and three times more hungry than i ever was being pregnant.

so here are some thoughts on my second time around caring for a newborn, this time i have a 20 month along for the ride.

it has been raining all day and my second daughter was diagnosed with acid reflux today, he said it can run in families. abi and harper, the sweet loves of my life, both in pain as infants with that god damned acid. makes me feel as though i am hurting them every time i feed them.

gotta figure out a way to meet the needs of a 20 month old and a 5 week old at the same time. gotta find a way to find time to document this while it happens.

July 2008 update

Harper is 5 weeks old and we are busy but functioning... trying to get used to this... coffee is a good thing and making sure to do some fun things when we can.

For pictures: http://picasaweb.google.com/shawnaweekly